Valet Parking: Theft with Consent

Home
>
Humor & Entertainment
>
Valet Parking: Theft with Consent

This column is long overdue. To put it in library terms, which I guess I already did (but I'd like to elaborate), this column is like checking out a book in 1998 but not returning it until yesterday. And by yesterday, I really mean tomorrow. This analogy will only grow as time continues because yesterday and tomorrow are both relative terms. I can't wait until the space creatures read this in the year 2577. Maybe they will e-mail me when they do, just so I feel like my previous sentence came with a purpose...

As far as my purpose, I'd like to address the issue of valet parking this week because, quite frankly, I think it's the worst system in the world. If I was still on that library kick, I'd add that Dewey Decimal - if that is his real name - would be laughing in his grave. Now I understand that this is a "fancy" way to park because someone is doing the parking for you, and anytime someone does something for you, it's automatically fancy. The same ideology is what makes room service more than just expensive food. I also know the argument that valet parking is a privilege, because instead of having to park your own car into a visibly tight spot, some random person will park your car into an area that you can't see because that's how special it is. Privileges aside, this worries me because if you took away the voluntary nature of the system, it would be considered grand theft auto...

That's right - valet parking is the one time when we are basically telling a stranger, "Go ahead, steal my car. I trust that it'll be here later." And sure, virtually 100% of the time it is. But what about that 0% of the time when your car just isn't there and that valet parker turns out to be a person who knows how to find the appropriate attire online? Furthermore, what is the guarantee that your stuff inside the car will still be there? This is a time period when the valet can do anything he wants with your car - change the radio station, eat your food, kill your friend still sitting in the passenger seat - so we need to think more carefully about why we continue to utilize this system...

Some would say that the system is faster, but oftentimes the self-parking area is right next to the valet. Others would add that valet allows someone else to hold your keys, and if that is supposed to be a good thing, then why don't we just hand in our wallets at the door as well? So, when it comes down to it, speed and convenience aren't prominent enough to be used as valid evidence (I am really tackling the legal terms in this column)...

To prove the risk of valet parking further, I must question why we don't hire random house sitters. You know, just stop a passerby and ask him to stay at your house for three days while you're gone, and in return you'll let him eat all the fish sticks from the freezer he wants - even though you don't have a freezer - and he can pet your dog twice. Or, since I'm on the animal kick, why don't people who walk their dogs in a park just switch dogs temporarily with someone else? This is essentially what valet parking is, except that parking isn't a two-way trade. If it were a two-way system, I guess that would have to be called "parallel" parking, but I'll have to save that for a different column (note to self: please don't)...

Unless required by law or the front-seat passenger, I will continue to park my own car. I am not implying that I want valets to lose their jobs. Rather, I am just noting that I don't want them to do anything. I guess that would make them government officials...

But I digress.

Greg Gagliardi is a teacher and writer. His stream-of-consciousness weekly humor column, "Progressive Revelations," has been ongoing since 1998. (http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com)

In The News:

Jihadist Humor
Huffington Post (blog)
While it might seem impossible to make a funny movie about would-be terrorists, British director Chris Morris has found a way in the Four Lions. ...

TheNewsTribune.com
Tacoma Little Theatre's whodunit 'Sleuth' heaps on humor
TheNewsTribune.com
If you like whodunits with eccentric characters, a large heaping of humor and an almost endless array of surprise twists, by all means go see “Sleuth” at ...

and more »

"Barney's Version" Makes It From Book to Big Screen
ABC News
Barney's caustic humor -- his TV company is called Totally Unnecessary Productions and he drinks his whisky at Grumpy's Bar -- and the candid tone of his ...

and more »

Kansas City Star
'Winnebago Man': Foul-mouthed pitchman becomes a source of humor | 3 stars
Kansas City Star
Here he is in a series of outtakes and flubbed moments from a 1988 promotional film for Winnebago dealers. He looks normal enough — a ...

and more »

CNN International
Iraq's dark sense of humor
Indiana Daily Student
Tackling the fear that grips the nation head-on is an effective way to recapture a sense of a humor in a bleak situation. The crucial difference between ...
Iraqi TV stunt show finds comedy in bomb threatsCNN

all 7 news articles »

What's in a name? Only a little bit of humor.
Seattle Times (blog)
By Danny O'Neil, The Seattle Times There is a little bit of humor to be had given the fact that coach Pete Carroll called Tyler Polumbus by the wrong first ...

and more »

In Attorney General Debate, Humor and Surprise
New York Times
... barely begun to pay attention to the race, let alone choose a horse — the 90-minute debate was rich with moments of disagreement, revelation and humor. ...

and more »

Prepare to Laugh with New Anthology Full of Faith-Based Humor
TMCnet
Sep 10, 2010 (PRWeb.com via COMTEX) -- Humor, like faith, can be powerful medicine. Whether it's from the pulpit or from the mouths of children, humor and ...

and more »

John Mayer Brings the Blues and Humor to Atlanta Amphitheatre
The Emory Wheel
Earlier this week, John Mayer tweeted, “Lets review this challenge: 1 thrown out lowerback. 15 thousand fans. ...

and more »

Animal tales of hope, humor, loyalty
JoongAng Daily
... the Heart and Touch the Soul,” consists of 19 animal stories displaying hope, humor, loyalty, compassion, and love, that she gathered over the years. ...

Google News

Valet Parking: Theft with Consent

Humor & Entertainment Humor & Entertainment